-Ah. Come in, Mr. Webber. -Hi, Covington. What happened?
I think we blew a fuse a minute ago.
It's as though somebody died.
[CHUCKLING]
-Come this way. Careful, now. -Okay.
-Is Mr. Fallon here? -Oh, yes, he's here.
Would you take this? I'll check the fuse box.
-Yeah, sure, okay. -Careful.
Hugh?
GUESTS: Surprise!
[CHATTERING]
HUGH: Is it 41 or 42?
[PLAYING AND HUMMING]
SAMANTHA: [SINGING] --right in and chase the shepherds away
[WARBLING]
--right in and made my sunniest day
[SAMANTHA HUMMING]
GUESTS [HUMMING]: Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear George
Happy birthday to me
[CHEERING]
I go down on my knees to you.
How do you feel about 42?
-42 what? -Mm.
You know. Years.
It depends. How do you feel?
-I feel betrayed. -Ohh.
Really?
Well....
You know...
...they say...
...you know who "they" are...
...that life begins at 40.
I spent the last...
...2 years...
...realizing they'd been lying in their teeth.
I don't know. I think the last 2 years have been rather good.
That's because you're 38.
-Keep your voice down. -Ohh.
-Goodnight, George. GEORGE: Mm.
SHEILA: Good night, Sam. -Night, Sheila.
Night, Sheil.
Sam...
...I want you to promise me something.
[IN WHEEZY VOICE] Never!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Never throw me a surprise party again.
-You're welcome. -Oh, you know what I mean.
I'm going to fill out my night.
Could I have some more white wine, Bacchus, my dear?
How you feeling, birthday boy?
Oh. Invalided.
You mean invalid?
I'm-- Well, that, too...
...but I feel basically invalided, like an invalid.
Remember what they say, George. After 40, it's all patch, patch, patch.
Ugh. I'm going home.
-We're working here in the morning. -Oh, goody, goody.
MAN: Hey, hi. WOMAN: Hi.
-How you doing? -It's good to see you.
-How's the water? -Great.
[PLAYING PIANO]
Oh. Thanks, Covington. Thanks.
[GEORGE HUMMING]
GEORGE [SINGING]: Happily
Oh, baby, won't you and me
We had it made
Here, try this.
Put this in front of "don't call it love."
-Oh, in front. -Right. Try it.
[SINGING] If they ask you
You can say that We ended happily
-And then have-- -Right.
But don't call it love
When you're talking to me
Great.
If they ask you
You can say that We ended happily
But don't call it love
When you're talking to me
-Great. Yeah. -Got it?
[SCATS]
-I'm going home. -Right.
How's Sam?
Oh. Sam's great.
Sam's mostly always great.
Can I have my jacket, please?
That sounds mostly intellectual, not emotional.
I guess so.
I guess she'd be happier if things were more emotional.
-I guess so would you. -Ho-ho-ho.
For a man who's never been analyzed--
I'd analyze you better than that expensive shrink.
But you'd come out gay and I couldn't do that to Sam.
-Here you go. -Thanks.
-I'll give her your love. -No. Give her yours.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SAMANTHA [SINGING OVER RADIO]: He's no more than a man
Nothing special that you'd run to see
He's a child to be sure At times insecure
But he pleases me
For when I'm in his arms
And the last little star slowly dies
I'm enchanted to be
The me that I see in his eyes
He's a man, nothing more
Sort of clumsy and absent of mind
Not the kind of a beau I dreamed long ago
That I would find
He's my lover, my friend
What more could I ask him to be?
So in our little plot
The mystery is what he sees in me
Why is it I never doubt him
When I've known all along
Now and then
The very best of men must roam
Sure, I get lonely without him
But a man, right or wrong
The more you bind him
The less you find him home
He's no more than a man
Just a weaver of wishes and dreams
Very shy, insecure
He's a child--
Oh, shit!
-Hi. -Hi.
-Are you hurt? -No.
Would you mind stepping out?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Do you have a license? -Yeah.
Thank you.
Did you know your license had expired?
-What? -July 26.
Oh, no!
Yeah. Uh....
Do you have a registration?
-For the car. -Um....
Yeah, sure.
[WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYING]
Expired license, no registration...
...and reckless driving.
I think you'll need a lawyer to help you with this one, Mr. Webber.
Yeah.
-See if you can get this thing started. -Yeah. Thank you.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
[CAR SPUTTERS AND RATTLES]
OFFICER: Go on, move it!
Marriage is a sacred commitment...
...designed on earth, sanctified in heaven.
Consider these two rings.
Perfect circles...
...without beginning, without end...
...signifying God's eternal love and devotion.
[DOOR CREAKS AND SHUTS]
Where would we be without God's love?
One of the most glorious of God's institutions...
...is the institution of marriage.
A union of two souls swearing allegiance...
...and promising in God's name to obey one another...
...until death do them part.
In today's world...
...it does well to consider such a commitment.
For in the final analysis, on the day of reckoning...
...we shall all be held to account.
The time has come for David and Jenny...
...to make this commitment to one another.
Do you, David, take Jennifer...
...as your lawful wedded wife...
...to have and to hold...
...in sickness and in health...
...from this day forward till death do you part?
[GEORGE YELLS]
GEORGE: Ahh! Shit!
[GEORGE PLAYING PIANO AND HUMMING]
Hello!
SAMANTHA: Hi.
-Whose car? -What?
-Whose car? -It's a loaner.
-Jesus, George! -Don't look.
What have you done to your nose?
A bee flew in the car.
My God! You're lucky you didn't have a wreck.
-I did have a wreck. I hit a police car. -A police car?
Yes. And not just a police car. A Beverly Hills police car.
-My God. Does it hurt? -You bet your knickers it hurts.
Have you taken anything for it?
Four of your birth control pills. I hope that's all right.
Try an antihistamine.
I don't like those. They make me pregnant.
SAMANTHA: I'll start dinner.
GEORGE: Thank God for that.
Okay, what's up?
What do you mean?
I've been getting strange vibrations.
Probably just a temporary...
...malfunction of my biorhythms, dear.
Maybe you are allergic.
That bee sting's awfully close to your frontal lobes.
Sit down. You'll just screw things up in the kitchen.
-Go play the piano. -I want to do my share.
-You shall, darling. Later. -Ohh. Yeah!
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCOFFS]
Unbelievable.
Un-fucking-believable.
-Does that guy have a telescope too? -Yeah.
GIRL: See anything interesting? -Oh, yeah!
Hi, Sam!
Shit! She did it again.
MAN [ON TV]: The latest hike in OPEC oil--
That son of a bitch has a bigger telescope than we have.
Not "we" have, "you" have.
I don't peep into somebody else's windows to get my jollies.
You and your friend are dirty old men.
He's not my friend.
He should be. You know him intimately now.
I don't watch him, I watch his broads. He's got a hell of a stable.
He must be good in the sack.
What's that got to do with it?
Unless he has a new remote control screwing device...
...how can you keep from watching him too?
I concentrate on the broads.
-He's around, isn't he? -Why are you so het up?
You got the time or you want to wait till after the late show?
[TV TURNS OFF]
First, I'm getting a little fed up...
...at sexually emancipated ladies being referred to as "broads."
Second...
...I think a telescope aimed at anything other than stars...
...is an invasion of privacy and qualifies the voyeur as a peeping Tom.
And there's a very good law against that.
Third, the first two wouldn't bother me a bit...
...if you'd stop watching so much television...
...and pay attention to your bedroom guests.
This guest, in particular.
Now, you want to argue or you want to make love?
Define "broad."
-Your definition or mine? -I know yours.
A girl who screws around a lot.
-A hooker. -A hooker's a hooker.
Their spreading their legs doesn't make the terms interchangeable.
-What's the difference? -A hooker sells it.
So does a broad. A hooker makes the price going in.
Ahh. So by definition a broad is less virtuous than a hooker.
As far as I'm concerned, virtue has nothing to do with it.
As far as you or any man is concerned, virtue has everything to do with it.
Listen, I just said "broad."
You applied a disparaging connotation to the term.
Come on. Are you trying to tell me...
...that "broad" is not a term used by men...
-...to describe women disparagingly? -I'm just saying I didn't use it that way.
-Would you call me a broad? -That depends.
On whether you watched me through a telescope...
...while I fooled around with your degenerate neighbor.
Okay, you define it.
First and foremost, I don't equate the term exclusively with sex...
...voyeurism or, quote, "degeneracy."
-You do that. -So do you, but you won't admit it.
"Broad" to me is just another colloquial term for "woman"!
Like "dame," "skirt"--
-"Moll." -"Crumpet." "Moll."
I'm sure Dillinger never used that word derogatorily.
For authority on female aggrandizement consult the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List.
Let's look it up.
I want your definition, not Webster's.
I'm going to get Monsieur Roget's definition.
You know my definition.
"Broad" means woman. Not good, not bad, unless so designated.
You said a broad does it for money.
You said a hooker sells it. I said so does a broad.
If a broad is a woman, then women screw for money?
-Some women! -Broads!
Some broads do it for other things, but in a way, they sell it!
Here we are: "Woman - dame, hen, petticoat."
"Slang or derogatory. Jane, broad."
Look. "Slang. Derogatory. Broad."
Okay? How about that, smartass?
You want to look up "derogatory?"
George....
Don't be a shitheel.
Whatever Monsieur Roget's définition was...
...I was not using the term in a derogatory fashion!
Some of my oldest and dearest friends are broads!
-Including your mother. -You bet!
[SINGS] I want a broad--
My maternal grandmother was one of the greatest broads that ever lived.
They don't make "broads" like that anymore.
-You know what's wrong with you? -Male chauvinist pig.
Besides that.
You're gutless. You're afraid to admit you blew it, and lose like a man.
I wouldn't mind losing like a man...
...if you weren't so damned determined to win like one!
Oh, Christ.
I've got an early call.
Um.... Care to translate that?
Yup. It's getting late. I think I'd better go.
MAN [ON TV]: From Hollywood, The Tonight Show...
...starring Johnny Carson.
This is Ed McMahon, along with Doc Severinsen...
...and the NBC Orchestra, inviting you...
...to join Johnny and his guest Cloris Leachman.
From the Metropolitan Opera company, Judith Blegen....
I thought we were going to make love.
It'll cost you 50 bucks and an apology.
Here's Johnny!
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
GEORGE: Sam!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Oh, damn!
Oh, bollocks!
Ow.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
God.
Oh, God.
[SINGING] I give my heart
[PIANO PLAYING]
Just to one man
Loving--
I can't hear you, Fraser.
[PIANO PLAYING GROWS LOUDER]
This too I swear
While I am there
-It's too soon. -Keep going.
Didn't we have more tables in San Francisco?
More tables, you know. Never mind.
I give my heart
I know my man
Hold it. You must spend more time at the tables.
Did we have more tables in San Francisco?
We did, but--
-Do you mind if I make a phone call? -Go ahead.
Give everybody a 10, would you?
JERRY: Okay. Everybody take 10, please.
Stage phone, please.
Sorry, that line's busy.
[BUSY SIGNAL]
OPERATOR: Still busy. -I'll hold.
[DIALING]
[BUSY SIGNAL]
JERRY: Okay, over here!
Still busy.
Okay, thank you.
[PLAYING]
Does he do anything except swim and jog on the beach?
Oh, yes.
He makes me happy, so I let him swim and jog on the beach.
The more you do for him, the more he rubs your nose in it.
Speaking of noses, why don't you keep yours out of my personal affairs?
In return, I won't bring up that you've acted like a spoiled child all morning.
I'm going to the market. Anybody want anything?
No, but bring back the receipts.
George thinks you take advantage of me.
Is that so? Well, I suppose I do.
But then, nobody's perfect.
Oh, George is.
What a drag.
Hugh, sometimes you really are a pain-in-the-ass fag.
Coming from one of the great Anglo-Saxon heterosexual...
...bores of all time, that's the ultimate compliment.
You've brooded and sulked around my house all morning...
...without the good manners to explain or apologize, and I'm fed up.
So you know what I'll do? I'll call it a day.
I'll invite some company over to soak up the strain.
Some happy, conversational...
...intellectually stimulating, pleasant company.
The Malibu chapter of the Sugar Plum Fairies?
As you don't qualify, you understand why I don't ask you to stay.
I couldn't. I forgot my tutu.
Yeah, see you later, Butch.
-I won't be long. -Don't be.
What does that mean?
It means go to the store and come back.
Don't hang around with your friends at the beach!
Don't get heavy with me.
I'll be back when I'm ready.
What were your thoughts at the moment of this fixation?
That she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
Uh, on a scale from 1 to 10?
11.
You said there was no such thing as a 10.
There's nothing unusual.
I was sitting at the stop sign.
I wasn't thinking anything special.
Suddenly there she was. And I reacted.
I mean, I wasn't expecting to see that vision.
What about the young girls on the beach? And Larry?
I don't like...
...middle age.
I mean, it's not that complicated. I'd just rather be 30.
Or 20, even.
God. If to make it, I had to change places with Larry...
...and a life of faggotry...
...I'd sure as hell give it consideration.
You don't consider that significant?
I'm just using an extreme example to make a point.
If you could, wouldn't you change places with Larry?
But I can't!
Didn't you ever play games like that?
But not to the point where I got all hung up with it.
You're becoming obsessed with the ugliness of old age.
The fear of death. The inevitability of it.
You'd change places with a homosexual to put it off.
So what do you do?
You play it safe.
You get a fixation on a beautiful young girl.
A "vision," I think was your description.
And I suspect, for your total vision...
...a virgin.
Yes?
Um, excuse me, reverend, I was just driving by your church...
...and, uh, a thought struck me.
If it wouldn't be an imposition...
...and you could spare a few minutes, I'd be eternally grateful.
By George!
Aren't you George...?
-Webber. -Of course!
George Webber!
My goodness!
Well, come on in, George!
[LAUGHS]
-Thank you. -How wonderful!
You know, George, I'm a songwriter too.
REVEREND [SINGING]: When you are near
Though we're under a cloud
Why do I hear
Rainbows that shine out loud
Why is there music
When I'm kissing your glove
Could it be
That I have an ear for love
Why, when you smile
Do those bells ding-a-ling
[WHIMPERS]
Turning my heart
Into a thumping thing
Glee clubs of moonbeams
Sing your name in the blue
When I hold you near My love
Look into my ear My love
You'll see that what I say I hear
My love
Is true
Well?
Well--
Now, George, you must be absolutely frank with me.
Yes. Well, frankly, I....
-I'm stunned. -Do you think it's professional?
I think it's amazing.
You realize, I've loved music all my life.
Excuse us, Mrs. Kissel.
Loved it all my life. Of course, I made a choice.
I'm not dissatisfied. I took the right road.
-I think you did. -But the music, you know.
-Always there, right? -Oh, yes, yes.
Sometimes, though, it gets to be almost too much.
I feel like chucking everything, and just write, write.
Yes. Well, I think you should stick with it, reverend.
You really did like it.
No. He that hath clean hands and a pure heart...
...who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity....
Yes, yes. Quite.
[KISSEL GROANING]
All right, Mrs. Kissel, we'll take care of it.
-She's been with me for ages. -Yes.
It's all right. You go on back to the kitchen now.
No damage done.
How old is she?
I honestly don't know. I don't think she does.
[MRS. KISSEL FARTS]
[WHIMPERS]
Whenever Mrs. Kissel breaks wind, we beat the dog.
I mean, the whole depersonalized lifestyle that puts down anything traditional...
...and completely ignores many of our...
...socially most fundamental institutions.
Such as marriage, for instance.
Right on, George. Heh-heh-heh.
I think I'm fairly well psychologically oriented.
I've talked to psychologists, psychiatrists...
...welfare workers....
But when I drove by your church today, I thought, "God!
Goodness...
...who better than somebody who truly represents...
...the institution of marriage and all it stands for?"
I'd be more than happy to help.
That's really marvelous.
Well, for instance, compared to, say, 5 or 10--
You may not believe it...
...but just as many young people are marrying today...
-...as they were 10 years ago. -Really?
Of course, there's a difference.
It fits right in with this depersonalized concept.
So many don't seem able to relate to the true meaning of the ceremony.
Mm. Can you be more specific? Have you married any young people lately?
REVEREND: Yesterday I married Jennifer Miles and David Hanley.
Perhaps you might know the bride's father, Dr. Miles.
He's a very prominent Beverly Hills dentist.
GEORGE: No. No.
[NEIGHBOR’S MUSIC PLAYING]
RECEPTIONIST: Theater. -Stage phone, please.
[PHONE RINGING]
All I possess is
Get the phone
Hello?
GEORGE: Samantha Taylor, please. -She's busy.
God, she's always busy.
My name is George Webber. I'm trying to get a message to her. Can I do that?
-For Samantha Taylor? Who's calling? -Right. George Webber.
-Webber. -Could you spell that?
W-E-B-B-E-R.
-Got it. -Hello? Hello?
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah. If you could just tell her--
[PHONE CLICKS]
Hello? Oh, dammit!
Oh, God!
You have all the-- Ohh!
[GROANS]
[SCREAMS]
Ahh! Shit! God!
Dammit. Ow!
GIRL: Hey, I see him!
What's he doing?
[PHONE RINGING]
Come on, George!
[PANTING]
[GROANS]
-Oh! -Hello?
Hello!
GEORGE: I didn't want to bother you but I'm leaving town tomorrow.
How long since you've had your teeth checked?
God, I don't know. Uh....
My dentist is Dr. Shoup in New York. Do you know him?
MILES: No. Don't believe I do. -Oh.
Open, please.
-Ahh! -Shh.
How long since you've seen Dr. Shoup?
[MUMBLING] Couple of years.
-You've got six cavities. -Tsk, tsk, tsk.
-Two of them are pretty bad. -Really.
-Six cavities? -This is the worst. See this shadow?
That's the nerve. Lucky if we can save this tooth.
Oh. What?
-Who are my next appointments? -Mrs. Phillips and Mr. Rodinsky.
MILES: Now open as wide as you can, please. Wide. Wide.
See if you can cancel them.
[GEORGE GROANS]
And tell Janie that we may have to work through the lunch hour.
You have to do them all now? Couldn't we just do the bad ones?
Well, they're all bad. Two of them really serious. But they're all bad.
Look, I can cancel my vacation for a few days--
I'm afraid that wouldn't help very much.
In an emergency, I can shift things around a bit.
But otherwise I'm booked solid for the next month.
No, I think under the circumstances...
...better we just get it over with. It won't be so bad.
Then you can take your vacation, and as far as your teeth are concerned...
...you can relax and enjoy yourself.
-Beginning to feel the Novocaine? -Yeah. My lips are tingling.
I enjoy your music.
The last time I was in New York, Mrs. Miles and I saw, uh...
...Dream Boat! That was your show, wasn't it?
GEORGE: Uh. NURSE: Ha-ha-ha!
It was '67. '68.
-'68. -'68.
That was a hell of a good show.
-That hurt? -Not really.
MILES: Where are you going on your vacation?
The Virgin Islands.
Mrs. Miles and I always go to Mexico.
-Oh. -Las Hadas.
Lava tus dientes.
That's Spanish for "brush your teeth."
It's really terrific.
My daughter Jenny's there now on her honeymoon.
[GRINDING]
-How are you? -[MUMBLING] Not very well.
Pardon?
[SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY]
-This'll take a few minutes. -Okay.
-Sir? -Forget it.
Sure.
Hi, Mr. Webber.
[SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY]
Huh?
[MUMBLING] Cup of coffee. Black coffee.
-Oh, coffee. -Coffee.
That's all right.
Thank you.
Oh, Christ.
[PHONE RINGING]
[MUMBLING] Hello?
-Hello? -Who is this?
[GEORGE SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY]
Is this 275-0817?
[MUMBLING] Yeah, yeah, it's George.
Ohh!
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
[BUSY SIGNAL]
WOMAN: Operator.
Operator, I'm having trouble reaching 275-0817.
Could you try it, please?
Ohh.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
WOMAN: Operator. -Would you get me the police?
-Josh? -Yeah?
-I'm going out. I'll be back. -Okay.
-Do your homework. -I've already done it!
[NEIGHBOR'S MUSIC PLAYS]
[GEORGE CHUCKLING AND GROANING]
Oh, what?
[SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY]
[MUMBLING] What is this? What's wrong? What's wrong?
-Pardon? -What's wrong? What are you doing here?
We got a call from a Miss Taylor.
She spoke to this house. A strange man answered.
He spoke gibberish, made obscene sounds.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
She was afraid Mr. Webber, the tenant...
-That's me! -...met with foul play.
The prescription's for G. Webber.
Do you know Mr. Webber?
He wants to write something.
"My name is George Webber.
I just came from the dentist where I had 6 cavities filled.
I have identification in the house."
Six?
You better take it easy. Pain pills and alcohol don't mix.
You could've fooled me.
[HUMMING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
Oh, George! With the--
Come in. Step right in.
George?
[CHATTERING]
NEIGHBOR: You go for it, George!
-Are you going for it? -I'm going for it.
Oh, God! Anything.
GEORGE: I want to say something.
-I have a telescope. -You do?
I look at him every day and he looks at me.
I don't think I've been so happy for years.
[GIRLS LAUGH]
Come have a walk with me.
You miserable little son of a bitch!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[PHONE RINGING]
-Yup? -Sam?
Yep!
Oh!
Oh, fuck! Uh.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Aeromexico.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Oh!
Damn you, George!
[GROANS]
GEORGE: Ow!
-George Webber. -Would you please sign in?
Mr. Webber?
Buenos dias.
I'm Vicente, the assistant manager.
Welcome to Las Hadas.
GEORGE: Oh.
Is that for me?
VICENTE: It's a custom here at Las Hadas. It'll keep you cool.
-Can I drink on the way to the room? VICENTE: Of course.
VICENTE: We've got a very beautiful place here.
GEORGE: Look out!
[GEORGE SCREAMS]
I hope the maid has made up the room. Good, she did.
Mr. Webber?
-Mr. Webber. -Huh?
Right this way.
Mr. Webber, right this way.
-You must have had a rough flight. -Huh?
-I said you must have had a rough flight. -Nyeh.
These rooms are well-insulated.
You'll have peace and quiet.
And also, as I said...
...the view from the balcony is magnificent.
Mr. Webber?
-Hugh? -Hm?
What is it about that miserable little son of a bitch that makes me care?
[HUGH CHUCKLES]
-Well-- -I don't want to, you know.
He's more trouble than any man I've ever known, including my ex-husband.
Apart from being uncommonly bright, wonderfully witty...
...generous, occasionally lovable and a genius...
...I can't think of a single thing.
-How about unnaturally belligerent? -Oh, yes.
-Exhaustingly childish? -Uh-huh. Yeah.
We've nothing in common.
We're the original odd couple.
And when he really gets me going...
...I can't ask him to step outside because he's too small.
I hope he's gone for good.
Well, he hasn't.
-He's going through male menopause. -Come on.
All right. Ladies have a biological edge...
...but most males over 40 make up for it in the emotional department.
He's gone. I don't know where he is.
Nothing has happened to him. Nothing sinister, that is.
It'll take him a while to find out he's a certified imbecile.
He'll come home, tail between his legs and settle down for good.
Lest ye judge harshly, remember....
-Nobody's perfect. -Thank God.
Anyway, I'd still like to punch him right in the mouth.
[PLAYING]
[PIANO PLAYING & CHATTERING]
Buenos dias.
A very good evening to you.
Oh. I'd like strong black coffee and some amphetamines.
Might I suggest the dining room?
And the local pusher.
In whatever order you consider appropriate.
Yes, yes.
I'll settle for a brandy.
-Thanks. -Certainly.
Cheers.
I think, one more time, basically.
If you still want coffee--
I've survived the crisis, thank you.
-Is there a phone I can use? -Sure.
-Dial "9." -Mm.
Thank you.
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Operator. -Mm.
Hello, this is Mr. George Webber.
I'm in room....
I don't know what room I'm in. Do you know?
-Yes. 104. -Thank God. Thank you.
Could you do me a favor and get me...
...area code 213...
...655-2264?
Miss Samantha Taylor.
-Miss Samantha Taylor? -Right. Thank you.
[SIGHS]
By what name are you known, sir?
I'm known by the name of "Donald."
"Don," to my friends and paying customers.
In that case...
...another double, Don.
"Double Don." That'll be hard to say...
...by the shank of the evening.
Better make that a single.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? Yes.
-Sam! -George?
Yes. Listen, you'll never guess in a million years.
I'm in Mexico.
And I'm sitting in...
...the Las Hadas bar...
...having a brandy with my old friend, Don.
-Say hello to Sam, Don. -Hello, Sam.
Listen, I tried to call you a dozen times.
When do you plan on coming back?
Hello? George?
Darling...
...I won't stay...
...a minute longer than I have to.
Just a couple of days...
...a couple of weeks. I should have it all sorted out.
I love you too much...
...to put you through all that rubbish.
I need-- Ahem.
I need the time to be alone.
Okay?
Sam? Sam?
-Mm-hm? -Say something.
Piss off, George!
[PLAYING]
GEORGE: They don't write music like that anymore.
Well, not much anymore, anyway.
Is that good or bad?
What do you think?
I'm opposed to bartenders making value judgments while on duty.
-For that matter, so is the management. -Oh, poo-poo.
How old are you?
Thirty-seven. But I look 40.
No. You look 33.
That's because I'm really 25.
We are each of us the product of an era.
That music is my era.
Beautiful melody.
Great lyric.
If you were 19...
...and 20 years from now...
...you were dancing with your wife...
...or girlfriend you knew in high school...
...and you said to her, "Darling...
...they're playing our song"...
...do you know what they'd be playing?
"Why Don't We Do It In the Road?"
[LAUGHS]
What the fucking hell kind of era is that?
-To each his own. -Ah. Now that's a good song.
What--
What is the sum total of my indebtedness...
...to this establishment?
Name and room number.
Uh....
I have left something for your favorite charity.
-That's me. -Why not?
-Good night, Don. -Good night.
Mr. Webber....
And for what it's worth...
...I like your songs.
God.
Well....
You know something? You suddenly don't look a day over 30.
[GEORGE HUMMING]
Oh, oh.
Oh, Sam.
Come and save me, for chrissake.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]
[PHONE RINGING]
-Hello? -Josh.
-Yeah. -Hi, it's George.
-How are you? -Okay.
Let me speak to your mother.
She doesn't want to talk to you.
What do you mean?
Young man, go and tell her I'm on the phone, right now!
Piss off, George!
[COUGHS]
I couldn't sleep.
-It's the brandy. -Yeah.
-Let's get back to the doubles. -How will that help you sleep?
I said I couldn't. I didn't say I wanted to.
Live and learn, like I always say.
Oh, God.
What else do you always say?
I always say...
...down the hatch.
Ho, ho. Oh.
Up the rebels.
Hello.
I don't mean to be rude, but aren't you George Webber?
Yes, I am, and I don't think you're being the teeniest bit rude.
Terrific.
I met you at Truman Capote's party.
-Terrific. -My name is Mary Lewis.
-Congratulations, Mary Lewis. -Thank you. Thank you.
GEORGE: Enid. Enid, darling. Have you met my wife?
[MARY GIGGLES]
MARY: I'm so pissed.
-She's lost her shape. -She's going to enjoy this.
Nice room you have. Pretty.
[GEORGE SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
-Oh! -Oh, God!
I'm sorry.
Let me make it well.
GEORGE: I don't want you to be afraid.
[LAUGHING & GRUNTING]
George.
Hmm?
Is it me?
No.
Yes, it is.
Okay.
-Is it? -No.
It is me, isn't it?
No.
This ever happen to you before?
Well, it's happened to me before.
Ta-da. Heh-heh-heh.
There was this...
...beautiful guy. Willis.
-Willis-- -Ackerman.
Willis Ackerman.
We slept together, by actual count, 16 times.
No matter what we did or how, he just couldn't manage.
That's terrible.
One time he got so crazy, he just started punching the wall.
Hit it as hard as he could.
Broke the old hand in three places.
He swore he loved me.
He'd sit on that bed in the dark and he would cry like a baby.
It never happened to him before, he said.
We stopped seeing each other finally.
You know, he's got three kids now.
He's married and he's got 3 kids in 4 years.
I think he's...
...worked his problem out.
Yeah, well, I was his problem and he sure worked me right out.
So don't go punching any walls, Georgie, huh?
Some of us...
...just don't bring out the man in men.
Good night, sweet Georgie.
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
WOMAN 1: The sand is hot! Oh! Ah! Hot!
MARY: Oh, God.
WOMAN 2: The sand is hot.
[GEORGE GRUNTS]
GEORGE: God, bloody hell.
WOMAN 3: Oh! Ha, ha. GEORGE: Sorry.
Ah! Ahh. Oh, God.
God.
Hello. Drink, sir?
Can I get you anything to drink?
Something cool, refreshing?
Can I soak my feet in it?
How about a Bloody Mary? You can stand in the ocean while drinking it.
God, yeah. That may be the suggestion of the week.
-Thank you. -Okay.
MARY: Oh, God.
Think I'll go out and get a surfboard.
Ow, ow! Damn! Damn!
Ah, fuck it!
-Here you go, sir. -Oh, shit!
Here's your Bloody Mary.
-Would you like to drink it in the ocean? -No, no.
-It's really warm in the ocean. -No, no.
-I'll take you on my back. Come on. -No.
-Okay here, sir? GEORGE: Yeah.
-Cheers! -Thank you.
Enjoy yourself.
-He is a very enterprising young man. -Mm. Yes, yes.
I must admit I feel a bit foolish.
-Good morning. -Good morning.
I didn't get your name.
Webber. George.
-Collins. Bill. -Hi. How are you?
-Switzer. Chuck. -Hi.
Chuck refuses to be carried.
He used to be a Marine.
Oh, well. To Tripoli.
Semper fi.
I was in the Royal Air Force, as a matter of fact.
I thought you had to be English to be in that.
You do.
-You an English fellow, huh? GEORGE: Mm-hm.
That's all right.
Sir. Can I get you anything else?
Yeah. Terrific.
How about a beer?
Uh. No, actually. Thanks. I think I might go for a swim.
-If you need anything-- -I'll give you a shout.
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
-Surfboard? -It's great. Can I get you one?
I've never really used one.
There's nothing to it. No big waves. Just paddle around.
Sure it's not dangerous?
Absolutely. The hotel's had only one accident since opening.
-That was because the dummy fell asleep. -Fell asleep?
EMPLOYEE: Yeah. He fell asleep on the board...
...drifted out to sea and the currents got him.
The currents?
Past the point, there's heavy currents. 6 or 7 knots.
If you're on a surfboard or swimming, that's it. You could end up in Peru.
-You mean he-- -Never found him.
But you don't fall asleep on a surfboard.
And you don't paddle out too far.
-Well, maybe tomorrow. -What about sailing?
-Great sport. -Maybe. I'll see you later.
EMPLOYEE: Adios.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Come on!
Oh!
[GRUNTING]
NEWSCASTER [ON TV]: Against odds and without thought for his own safety...
...George Webber, composer, playwright...
...and winner of four Academy Awards...
...braved treacherous waters to save a drowning man.
David Hanley, 23, and his bride, Jennifer...
...are honeymooning at the Las Hadas Hotel in Mexico.
David fell asleep on his surfboard and drifted out to sea.
I've got to call Sam!
--told me how dangerous it is in the currents.
I was out in the boat...
...and I decided...
...there wasn't time to go for help, so I went after him.
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Hello? Hello?
-George Webber, please. -One moment please.
-To your very good health. -Thank you, Don.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
[PHONE RINGS]
-Lounge. WOMAN: Mr. Webber, please.
Wait one moment.
-Are you in? -No, no.
Listen, Kitty, until otherwise instructed...
...Mr. Webber'll be incommunicado.
Oh, my God! Where's that?
About 20 miles east, and make a left turn.
Okay. Thank you, Don.
Clever girl. She wanted to know where "communicado" was.
Oh, it's very obvious.
It's a stone's throw from "cognito."
Sorry.
This is the new one, Hugh.
That's beautiful.
More, Georgie.
Play "Funny Valentine."
You don't remember? I played that for you already.
You did?
At Truman Capote's party.
Gosh, I don't remember.
Are you sure?
I play it at every party.
Keep a light in the window. I may be back.
DONALD: Right, mate. -Oh, yes.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
JENNIFER: Who is it? GEORGE: Uh, George Webber.
Sorry, I didn't realize you were in the shower.
Oh, no, no. Come in.
I tried to call, but you weren't in.
I'll just slip into a robe. Come in.
There's a bar if you want a drink.
There's a joint in the ashtray.
I didn't get home from the hospital until 8:00.
How is your husband?
[MUSIC STOPS]
JENNIFER: He's got a terrible sunburn.
He'll lie on his stomach for days.
It could have been much worse.
-Wouldn't you like a drink? -No, thanks.
-Some grass? -No, no, no.
-Would you like to sit down? -Yes.
You know my father.
-Yes. -He says you're his patient.
-Dr. Miles, D.D.S. -That's right.
Well, isn't that wild?
Yeah.
You wouldn't believe this.
About two weeks ago, David and I saw you on Dinah Shore.
Oh, right.
To be honest, I didn't know who you were or what you did.
But I said to David, "There's a really attractive older man."
Oh. Well, that's nice.
And you've written all those songs.
-A few. -Elevator music.
God! Elevator music.
The music in elevators. Lots of violins.
I know what you mean. I'm very big in elevators.
-And here you are. -Yeah.
You saved my husband's life.
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
Yeah, I suppose it is.
Did you know we were on our honeymoon?
-No. -We were married Friday.
Oh.
-Not much of a honeymoon. -It doesn't matter.
We lived together two years. We only did it for the family.
My father's just right of Attila the Hun.
-May I ask you something, Mr. Webber? -If you call me George.
I haven't eaten all day.
Well, in that case let me take you out to dinner.
That's what I was going to ask you, George.
[CHATTERING]
[MARIACHI BAND SINGS IN SPANISH]
Pretty song.
"Esta noche, la paso contigo."
What does that mean?
Tonight I spend with you.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Tell me something, sweet Donald.
What's fair about a man...
...getting older...
...and looking more distinguished and worldly...
...and a woman getting older and looking old?
There's nothing fair about that.
Yeah.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
No, I'm...
...just fine.
I wasn't expecting Prokofiev.
I saw Romeo and Juliet at the Royal Opera House...
...when I was 16, with Nureyev and Fonteyn.
It really wiped me out.
I like different music for different things.
I like to listen to rock.
I like to dance to jazz.
What do you do to Prokofiev?
Fuck.
And not only Prokofiev. Ravel.
Did you ever do it to Ravel's "Bolero"?
No.
My uncle turned me on to it.
[COUGHING]
My stepmother's younger brother.
I spent weekends at his house. I was at school in England.
Uncle Fred said "Bolero" was the most descriptive sex music ever written.
And he proved it.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[RAVEL'S "BOLERO" PLAYING]
George?
I forgot the joint.
What, now?
Oh, God, you beautiful thing!
Better hurry or you'll have to start it again.
The music. You'll have to start it again.
-Start it again! -What?
It's better if you start right at the beginning. Please?
Hurry!
GEORGE: Oh, shit.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[MUSIC STARTS]
It's all right. It's a long piece.
Oh, God. Oh, Jenny.
You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
[MOANING]
Ah, ah, ah! Ow, my hair!
JENNIFER: Oh, I'm sorry.
-What? -It's better if I'm on top.
Oh, okay.
[COUGHS AND WHEEZES]
-What? -A feather!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
-Maybe it's better if we go the other way. -Okay.
[MUSIC SKIPS]
GEORGE: Now what? -It's stuck!
GEORGE: It's not. Really, don't be afraid.
JENNIFER: The record is stuck!
The record!
GEORGE: Oh, Christ.
JENNIFER: Fix it, please!
[MUSIC STOPS SKIPPING]
Finally.
[PHONE RINGING]
GEORGE: Oh, Jesus! -I don't believe it!
Hello?
Oh, hi, baby. How do you feel?
It's David.
George Webber. We went out to dinner.
George Webber, the man who saved--
Right, right.
Hold on. He wants to talk to you.
He wants to thank you.
Hi, David.
Yeah. Oh, no big deal.
No, it's my pleasure.
Yeah, she's--
We had a nice dinner.
And we were just sitting around talking.
I was just getting ready to leave.
Sure will. Okay, nice talking to you.
Hi. You sound like you're really out of it.
Beautiful. I envy you.
You'd better get some sleep.
I'll be there about 11:00.
Okay. All right. Bye.
They just gave him a shot of Demerol. He's really out of it.
GEORGE: Oh, God.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh, fuck! Ow.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[JENNIFER SQUEALS]
Hold it.
-Can I ask you a question? -Sure.
Why me?
What do you mean?
Tonight! Me. This.
Why not?
Are you bothered because my old man called?
God, aren't you?
No.
And what about this?
-I don't understand. -Oh, come on.
This! Us!
What about it?
Why the hell get married?
I got married because I wanted to.
A week later you have an affair with the man who saved your husband's life!
-Oh, wow! -Oh, Jenny.
"Oh, wow"?
I don't understand that thinking.
Well, evidently not.
Five minutes ago you weren't worried about him.
-Oh, boy. -Or whether I was married.
The hell I wasn't!
How do you act when you're not worried?
I thought maybe you thought I was more than just a casual lay.
Why'd you think that?
Oh, great. Thank you. Terrific.
Because I thought you were something different. Something special!
I am. As far as I'm concerned, I'm very special.
If I sleep with someone, it's because I want to.
-Mm-hm. -I enjoy it. It pleases me.
Jolly good!
It's okay if your husband does it?
If it makes him happy.
Nothing wrong with being happy...
...but there's more to life than screwing to Ravel's "Bolero."
Sure there is.
But what's wrong with screwing to Ravel's "Bolero"?
It depends why you're doing it and with whom you're doing it...
...with.
If I thought that much, I'd be a virgin!
Oh, look, Jenny!
George, are you happy?
Let me see....
Um.... No.
Not at this minute.
Neither am I.
But I was, and I intend to be again soon.
I don't know your problem but you won't solve it by solving mine.
-Fine. -And I don't think I really have a problem.
Mm-hm.
That's your problem.
-George? -Hmm?
Would you turn off the record?
[MUSIC STOPS]
SAMANTHA: I give my heart
Just to one man
I give my heart
To one man
Alone
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
-They loved it. -At $8.50 a crack, I'm lucky.
STAGE HAND: What's up? BERNIE: George fucking Webber!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HOUSEKEEPER: Hello, Mr. Webber. Come in.
-How are you? -Fine, thanks.
-Is she expecting you? -No.
-I'd better let her know you're here. -Okay.
HOUSEKEEPER: Mrs. Taylor?
SAMANTHA: Yes? -Mr. Webber's here.
-Would you like a drink? -No, thanks.
Your phone's out of order.
No, it's not.
It's been busy all day.
It's Josh talking to his dad.
I.... I got back this afternoon. I thought I'd surprise you.
You did.
Uh.... Maybe you'd like to go have dinner?
-No, thanks. -Okay.
I'm having dinner with Bernie Kaufman.
-How come? -Because he asked me.
JOSH: Mom? Dad wants to talk to you.
He wants me to come to Southampton for Easter.
-Oh, hi, George. GEORGE: Hi, Josh.
You mad at me?
Yeah.
JOSH: Mom says I should apologize.
I think you should apologize because you want to...
...not because of your mother.
-What if I don't want to? -Uh....
Then don't.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
JOSH: Okay, I won't. -Why the hell not?
BERNIE: Hi. JOSH: Hi.
I'm Bernie Kaufman. Your mom expects me.
She's on the phone.
I'll apologize to you if you apologize to Mom.
-Why should I do that? -Because you've been a real shit!
-You little.... JOSH: I'll tell her you're here.
-Bernie Kaufman. -Hi. George Webber.
SAMANTHA: Okay, I'll see you later.
-You two know each other? -I think we just met.
-Hi, Bernie. -Hi
-You know where the Scotch is. -No, I don't.
Make yourself at home.
-Nice meeting you. -Yeah.
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes?
-What did you do, work all night? -I did. Was it worth it?
As a matter of fact, it was.
One of your better lyrics.
I was inspired by one of your better melodies.
Hmm.
You don't sound happy.
I've always gone on the premise that...
...to be happy, you have to feel happy.
How's Larry?
He's traveling abroad.
I got a telegram saying he might come back.
But due to some...
...foolish pride, I don't think I'll take him back.
Have you seen Sam?
She's going out to dinner with Bernie Kaufman.
Don't do as I do. Do as I say.
Kill if you must, but don't lose her.
-I'll see you tomorrow. -All right.
[PLAYING]
[SINGING] It's easy to say
It's over
It's easy
To say
We're the best of friends
You walk away and for a while
You try the summer
Of a younger smile
But the memory never ends
You could lose your mind
But then you'll find
It's easy to say
I love you
There's only one way to say
I love you
BOTH: You could search the years away
That old cliché
Is the first of May
Too old...
...for new love
It's easy to say
It's easy
As A, B, C
I love you
Love you
That is pretty.
Yeah. Thank you.
I was going to call it, "I Love You, Samantha"...
...but some old hack got there before me.
It's the thought that counts.
Yeah.
Uh....
-Sam? -Hm?
Do you want to get married?
No.
Oh, um....
Why not?
Just as a matter of interest.
We spend too much time arguing and not enough making love.
I could work on that.
You know, just reverse that trend.
Make a lot of love, and just that much arguing.
-As easy as that? -You've got it.
It would make a difference.
So you'll think about it?
-Unless you want to argue. -Oh, no.
I want to make a cup of coffee.
And think about it.
GIRL: Any action? NEIGHBOR: Ehh.
She's in the kitchen. He's playing the piano.
And I've had it!
That's it, George!
For one year I've been providing X-rated entertainment...
...and you reciprocate with PG!
It's an iniquitous arrangement!
-What's iniquitous? -I show him mine, he don't show his!
Come on, Rapunzel. From now on, we do it in the dark!